One small world
by JadeToffee
Summary: When life changing experiences happen to the staff at the E.D. will they realise how small the world really is and how long will the truth be hidden? A twist on the stories that took place in series 27 and 28 of Casualty.
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1**_

"Signed Tess Bateman." So far I had managed to keep it a secret and finally I had signed the papers to go ahead with my plan. It had been an emotional 8 months starting with the guilt of destroying my colleges family.

[8 months earlier- August]

I woke up and sharply sat up in my bed. A sudden urge to be sick struck me and ran straight through my body at that moment I made a mad dash for the toilet that was across the hallway to my bedroom. Before I knew it I had been sick and felt light-headed as I fell to the floor. Still vaguely conscious, I heard a knock at the door and fletch shout through the letter box.

"Tess are you alright, you're gonna be late for work." I scrambled to my feet and took a quick glance in the mirror then ambled cautiously down the stairs. Once at the bottom, I took the chain off the front door and turned the key in the lock before opening the door to see a rather frustrated work mate staring at me.

"Why aren't you dressed? Your shift starts in 5 minutes remember we made plans for me to pick you up and drop you off at the hospital. He paused as he looked me up and down. I was stood barefoot in my dressing gown over my nighty that seemed to be getting ever tighter. I stared right back at fletch until his eyes met mine, I could see he had come to his conclusion.

"You're not going to work today are you?" he continued to question me.

"Um no. Sorry I told Charlie I wasn't going to be able to make it because I'm going to see Sam." I replied. I felt awful to use my son as a falsehood in my escape from the E.D. but I had no choice the physical sickness I felt was far greater than the sickness I felt in disgust of what I had said.

"Ok, well we will miss you. I will come by at the end of my shift and you can tell me how Sam is." Fletch said in a sweet way. Sometimes Fletch can take away all my pain and emotion but every now and again he just added to it and that is what I feared most.

I said my goodbyes to Fletch and closed the door as he got into his car to go to work. I instantly ran to the phone to call the E.D.

"Hello its Tess Bateman."

*Hi Tess its Rita is everything ok?* It was nice to hear a new voice even if it was a little too enthusiastic.

"Yes thank you I'm fine, I was just wondering if I could talk to Charlie?" I requested. I paused waiting for a reply but then heard a different voice at the end of the phone

*Charlie Fairhead speaking.* The reassuring voice of the charge nurse rang though the phone.

"Charlie its Tess I just wanted to inform you with my apologies that I won't be coming in today because I am visiting Sam," I continued "I don't get to see him much and with his bipolar getting better I thought it would be a great time to see him."

*Hello Tess. Of course that is fine, I hope he is doing…*

Before he had a chance to finish his sentence I interrupted "Thank you Charlie, bye." Down the phone before ending the call. That urge had come back and before I knew it I was back, knelt on the bathroom floor, being sick once again. It was at least the 6th time this week and it was only Wednesday. With my medical knowledge I knew something wasn't right and I had tried to blank it out of my mind for the past week but I couldn't any longer. It was time to find out.

After returning to my room and collecting my pregnancy tester I nervously walked back into my bathroom. A minute later I had done my part and worryingly awaited the result of the test. My palms were sweaty and I felt the odd draft from under the door wrap around my ankles and shoot the cold shivers up to my spine. I had never felt so scared in all my life.

5 anxious minutes had passed before I had found the courage to look at the result of my test. Slowly I turned over the stick that would change my life forever. A little line determined my future and there it was right on my test. I was pregnant.

The shivers that had before shot up my spine before had turned into fear. The fear and emotion that usually vanished when Fletch smiled at me, he had fired right back at me in one massive dose. I was pregnant and it was Fletch's baby too.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

[6 months earlier- October]

After getting back from a shout Jeff and I went back to ambulance station to have our break. It's not usual that we get a break we are always out on the roads picking up the bodies and the broken piece. But for once we were able to have a little peace and quiet and some time to ourselves.

"Dixie did you really mean what you said this morning?" Jeff asked me while I thought about everything I had said so far today.

"Yes I think it would be a great idea maybe a challenge," I replied then added "and you might have to ask John and Sophia about a new sibling."

"Yeah I just don't want to rush into things." Jeff said with a slight shake in his voice.

"I won't rush you into doing anything I promise," I reassured Jeff before asking him "If we did go ahead with adoption, what would we do about work?"

*306 to control* A call came through on the radio.

"We would find a way if it's what you really want," Jeff said as he grabbed his jacket before running to the ambulance.

Once we were in the ambulance, we drove to the incident without saying much more but when we arrived at the destination it wasn't the usual shout. Jeff and I had seen completely new to seeing this but it wasn't the normal car crash, fall or fire.

We raced into a small brick bungalow to see an older woman, I guessed she was about 36 years old, next to her a young girl with blond hair was lying on the floor unconscious with blood coming from her head.

"What's her name?" I asked the woman who was standing in the corner of the room staring at her daughter.

"Jessica," her mum stated before adding "She just got so annoying."

"Don't worry about that now." I reassured the distressed mother, Leanne, while I continued to treat her.

"She needs some oxygen Dix," Jeff said as he reached for the cylinder "We need to get her in sharpish before she deteriorates."

We loaded her into the ambulance and I drove it back to the E.D.

"How's she looking Jeff?" I asked him as we came to a stop because of traffic.

"Not good," My partner replied "Feel free to step on it."

I turned the sirens on and we raced back to the E.D. but the drive did allow me to think a little about what we had talked about before the shout and how there are plenty of examples of kids that are abused and one is in the back. Then it felt like the feeling had just slapped me round the face if there are so many kids who have been abused but are not in care it's up to someone loving to take them in and that was when I realised what I had to do.

We arrived at Holby 5 minutes later and were greeted by Cal and Rita.

"What have we got?" Cal asked helping to direct the bed, carrying Jessica, into the hospital. Her mother Leanne was comforted by Robyn.

"Right this is Jessica Drower, she has sustained a blow to the head and has been unconscious since the incident took place," Jeff stated then continued the pass over "her GCS 11, pulse 60, BP 85/55 and stats 80%."

"Can someone get these doors?" I yelled as we entered rhesus.

"Bed number 2 please Dixie" Cal requested as we swung the stretcher round so that it was side on to the bed in rhesus

"Everyone got a bit?" I asked at everyone grabbed the board "One 3 please, 1…2…3" The girl was quickly moved and placed on the E.D. bed.

"Thank you guys," Rita thanked "Are we still on for tonight Dix?" she said as she briefly turned to me to await my response.

"Yep of course!" I shouted over the hustle and bustle that was taking place around me. Jeff and I slowly turned to walk out of rhesus wheeling the empty stretcher beside us. Jeff turned to me and asked

"What's happening tonight, don't tell me your going clubbing again last time you did that it was a disaster?"

"Firstly," I began "I did nothing wrong and second we are just going to the pub for a quiet drink and a gossip. Is that ok with you?" I turned to him with a stern look and he nodded. The thought that hit me when driving to the E.D. then hit me again as we left to head back to the ambulance station. Once back the ambulance station I sat on the sofa just by the door and pondered on the thoughts that I had been having. I guess Jeff must have realised something was wrong.

"Is everything ok Dix?" He wondered.

"Yeah everything is fine I'm just thinking." I said taking a slurp of my tea and regretting it as I had burnt my tongue.

"Yeah..?" he replied waiting for me to elaborate on my statement and staring at me strangely at me because of the faces I was pulling because my mouth hurt.

"I was just thinking about Jessica the girl from the shout, it's not fair that young people like her can get so beaten up because the people around her don't care but I do and if we can provide just one home from one person than that child will be happy and will make us happy and it's not right to just forget about them." I said tearing up on the inside. I really felt strongly about this I always want to have a shot at have kids but I knew I couldn't because of my sexuality. Jeff and I never really talked too much about kids not after Lucy left him and took John and Sophia. I didn't want to force him into doing anything he didn't want and I didn't want him to feel pressure because he thought I was replacing his family I would never do that and he knew that too. Although Jeff and I didn't have the usual relationship and what we had wasn't physical, it still mattered and it meant something to both of us.

Jeff looked at me stunned but respected my feelings towards the girl and the issues "You really want kids don't you?"

"Yeah but I don't want you to feel pressured" I replied feeling sympathetic to his background.

"You're not suggesting that we…you know…do it are you?" Jeff said almost sounding creped out at the prospect

"No...No!" I replied without any hesitation "No just earlier we were talking about adoption and I think we should give it a go there are so many kids out there and not so many people willing to look after them and given the circumstances I think it is our best chance of starting a family." I added hoping Jeff wouldn't freak out and he didn't he was actually quiet calm about the life changing suggestion I had just made.

"Yeah I would love to help kids that need us. I mean it's not exactly new to us, we do it every day. It's going to be hard work trying to balance work and everyday life with raising and looking after a child but if that is really what you want princess…"

"Come on slow coaches RTC on the ring road!" Mac shouted as climbed into his ambulance, the A-Team was back on the road.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3**_

[5 months earlier- November]

Three different tops I had tried on already today but none of them would fit over the small bump I was developing. Not only was I developing a bump but I knew that as each day passed the baby inside me grew bigger and developed too. The worst part of it all was that it was getting harder to keep it all a secret. Twelve weeks into the pregnancy and the lie about Sam is still helping me to get out of work but every time I use his name I think to myself about how disappointed he would be with for having an affair with a happily married man with a family and disappointed in me for using him and his illness as a decoy to get time of work. Ever since the test I had thought about an abortion and today I was going to the maternity hospital. Not an abortion the first scan.

I finally found a top that I felt comfortable in, squeezed into my car and drove 7 miles to the maternity hospital. When I had eventually arrived, late, after my dressing drama a barged my way through the double doors knocking into people as I went until I reach the waiting room where I heard my name being called

"Tess Bateman…" the lady called "Tess Bateman!" she called again. She was just about to see who was after me on the list as I stood right before her very nearly out of breath.

"Hello, I'm….I'm Tess Bateman" I stated while trying to regain my breath.

"If you would like to come this way?" she said as she led me into a room prepped form by baby scan. I was no stranger to the technology in the room as I was a midwife myself and had had to reassure many mums to be when they were in this situation themselves but I could have never have imagined it in reverse, me being the guinea pig to all the equipment waiting to be tested on.

I entered the room to be greeted by a nurse. She stood up from the chair where she had previously been perched and put her hand out waiting to receive mine in return to shake. She asked me a few questions about the pregnancy so far I knew the questions of by heart form experience.

"How has the pregnancy been so far?" the midwife asked me.

"Not too bad," I replied before continuing "I'm about twelve weeks at the moment so the morning has passed and the baby is due around April time." The nurse and her assistant college stared at me as if how do you know the questions we have on the card. As they looked from me to each other I realised what I had just said but I couldn't help it the nerves inside me got out of control and I couldn't help but come across almost rude to the people that were trying to help me. I snapped out of my day dream to realise I was in a room crowded with silence. Finally, after what seemed like hours of the awkward silence the assistant broke the quiet with by asking to get something.

"Shall I get the cloths to wipe the jelly off?"

"Yes please," replied the midwife simply before she turned to me "Please could you lay back on the bed form me so that I can begin your scan?" I did just as she said trying to avoid another awkward silence. I got ready for the scan, pulled my top up just to the top of my bump. Thoughts ran through my mind as the nurse had her back turned.

I couldn't stop think, thoughts rushed around in by head. I can't have a baby. I need to get an abortion. What is someone finds out? What if Fletch finds out? What if Fletch find out it is his? I just about stopped myself screaming and bursting into tears when the midwife turned back to look at me.

"Are you alright?" She asked sweetly "I know it can see daunting at this time but I can assure you we will do our best to look after you and your baby." Any other person would have been happy to have reassurance like that but instead I just thought. No I'm not alright I don't want to be here at all, I don't want to be looked after by any one and I don't want to be here. The nurse looked at me concerned she could clearly see something was wrong and decided to give me some time.

"I'm just going to find out where my assistant has got to." The woman told me before opening the door to leave the room "I will be back in a minute."

The door closed.

The sudden urge to run smacked me round the face and I jumped up. Adrenaline pumps quickly through my body and I started to shake I know I didn't want this baby and there wasn't much use in coming today but maybe if I stayed I could find out more, more about the option of an abortion. But them my internal scales balanced me back out again, I know enough about babies I'm a midwife for goodness sake and if there was anything I didn't know there is always the internet.

The next thing I knew I has in the corridor running, sprinting (as fast as a 45 year old, pregnant woman can) for the fire exit. Only a couple of metres away when I heard a voice from the opposite end of the hallway.

"Wait, we still need to give you your scan! You can't leave yet!" The assistant shouted racing down the corridor towards me.

In kept running I couldn't stop. I ran to the door pushing it open as I reached it then ran to my car as I found my keys in the bottom of my bag. As I unlocked the car door the assistant and the nurse came running up behind me. Not a single thought about turning back crossed my mind as I jumped into my car, put my key in the ignition. I put my food hard on the accelerator as I exited the car back my hands shaking but calming as I knew I want going to be forced to another antenatal care appointment again.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

[4 months earlier- December]

I woke up and got out of bed slowly then got changed. Today was a big day but before I could worry about that I had to worry about Jeff. I ambled across the landing at the top of the stairs wearing a navy blue suit with a cream top. I headed towards the door of Jeff's room when I got there I knocked and waiting for him to reply.

"Yeah!" he grunted farther frustrated. It was one of the only mornings this week that we could have had a lie in however we had to get up and be out the door by 9:30. I opened the door to see Jeff yawning not the least bit worried that it was already 8:46.

"Do you know what today is?" I questioned him I know Jeff isn't usually the sharpest person at remembering things but there was no way he could have forgotten.

"My lie in day!" he replied sarcastically.

I glared at him "Jeffery! Get ready we need to get going to the children's home." I told him getting a little frustrated.

He looked back from the clock to me and sat up in his bed "Why do we even need to go to an interview they know who we are because we sent them the applications." I looked at him sternly.

"Just get ready!" I nagged exiting the room. I went down stairs to get my breakfast when eventually Jeff joined me.

"Have you fed Little Abs?" he asked me and I nodded. Half an hour passed before I was ready I got down stairs and took a look in the mirror then a glimpse at the clock it was 9:13 and we had to leave in 2 minutes to get there in time.

"JEFFREY!" I yelled up the stairs before grabbing the car keys. I heard some movement above me but he didn't come down.

"JEFFREY COLLIER GET DOWN HERE NOW! WE HAVE TO LEAVE!" I shouted at the top of my voice there was more movement this time then he came clambering down the stairs almost tripping over Little Abs. I thought women were meant to be the ones that take hours to get ready but obviously I was wrong. I opened the door and unlocked the car while Jeff locked up the house.

Nothing much was said between us on the drive there. I know that I was very nervous and was practicing my answers to different questions we might be asked in my head. Jeff on the other hand, he kept his cool and didn't look at all bothered that this interview could have the possibility to change our lives. To be honest he didn't really look at all with it, still dead in the face like this morning when he woke up. After a short drive we arrived at the children's home I sighed before taking a big breath while the world and what we were getting ourselves into caught up with me.

"Are you alright?" Jeff said concerned I nodded. I tried to speak but no words came out. We deal and take care of people every day at work but I have never felt as anxious as I did now.

"Are you sure?" Jeff asked still unsure about how I was feeling.

Finally words came out of my mouth "Yeah, I will be once we get inside." I managed to get out of my mouth with a shake in my voice. We slowly got out the car and started to walk towards the door Jeff came closer to me and grabbed hold of my hand. Even though my palms were sweating because I was so nervous Jeff didn't seem to remind but instead silently showed me that we were in this together.

We walked through the front door to be greeted by a cheerful man that made me feel slightly more relaxed. We waked through the hallway and turned right into the carers' office. Jeff and I sat down on two chairs next to each other opposite the head care worker, Nathan. We talked about adoption for about 20 minutes.

"What age were you thinking of adopting?" Nathan questioned.

I looked at Jeff to signal that I would answer "I would love any chid whatever their age but I would love a younger child so that I can have the full experience of being a mum." Fingers crossed that was a good enough answer, every reply we gave they judged us on but everything I said was true. I thought to myself that it would be better if I just told them what I really thought and be who I really was then lie.

"Ok, and why have you chosen to adopt over having your own children?" Nathan asked. Jeff looked at me, this was one of the questions I dreaded. Usually I am upfront about my sexuality but every answer we gave I knew they were judging us, judging me.

"Well we thought it was better to look after kids that need us and need a home rather than having our own children." He paused before looking at me I nodded and he carried on "We are also in an open marriage because of Kathleen's sexuality but the relationship we have still matters and although it isn't like most others it means something to us." Jeff looked back over at me to check I was ok and I replied with a smile. Nathan nodded, hopefully we were saying something right. He stood up.

"Shall we go and see the children?" He offered and we followed him out of the room. "Everyone come into the living room please!" Nathan yelled up the stairs trying to gather everyone into one room for us to meet. All the children came into the room where we were now stood and each one introduced themselves to us.

"Hello, I'm Skye and I'm 3 years old and this is my dolly Georgie." Said a young girl dressed in a pink and white floral dress. The girl smiled before she leaped onto my arms for a hug and I hugged her back then she walked to sit on the sofa next to Jeff.

"Hi I'm Taylor and I love to dance. I'm in year 9 at school which makes me 13 years old." The blond girl stood in front of me stated.

After meeting all the children Jeff went outside to play in the football match that was taking place before our arrival. I went with a couple of the older girls Taylor, Amelia, Sasha and the youngest girl Skye to make cakes. It was sweet to see the other girls interact with each other and I really started to feel like a carer for the girls and bonded with them all for different reasons. I found out that Taylors mum died when she was just a young girl like mine and that Sasha's favourite animal was a dog and mine too. After spending about 2 hours with the girls, baking all sorts of different cakes and cookies, we went outside to see how the others were doing playing football in the garden. We took the cakes we had just freshly baked outside with us. All the time we were being supervised by the social workers who were watching to see how we bonded and got on with the girls.

After eating the cakes, everyone including me and the girls I had spent the afternoon with joined in playing in the house football game when suddenly a 7 year old boy called Oscar tripped over someone's foot and fell to the floor crying. Mine and Jeff's medical instincts took control as we ran towards the boy to make sure he was OK.

"Where does it hurt?" I asked Oscar sweetly while looking at his ankle when he pointed to it. "Does this hurt?" I asked moving his ankle slightly

"No," he replied "It just hurt when I fell on it." Still with tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Ok sweetheart I think you have just twisted it." I said innocently then turned to Nathan "Just keep some ice on it and take him to Holby city E.D. if it starts to swell or the pain gets worse." I informed him, he nodded. After making sure the boy was alright we made our way into the house to say our goodbyes to the children. We entered the care workers office once again.

"Thank you for coming to visit the children have really enjoyed themselves, they love it when people come to see them but you bonded with them really well. I also know more about you and why you want to adopt which helps when matching you with kids." He said thankfully before continuing "It was great to see you and hopefully we will see you again soon."

"Yes that would be great!" I replied excited that we had made a good impression. We stood up and left the room to go outside. Once outside we said our goodbyes to the rest of the children but with any luck we would be seeing them again in a few months.

"Bye!" I said as Skye as she hugged me giving me one of the last cupcakes that were left from the batch we had made earlier. "Thank you!" I said sweetly before me and Jeff got into the car. The day had been an incredible experience and I would love if it all worked out and Jeff and I finally got the chance to be parents together.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5**_

[2 months earlier- February]

Every night before I go to bed I can't help but feel bad for what I have done. I have used Sam, my beloved sons bipolar as an excuse because it has been getting 'worse` when in actually fact he was getting better. I hated it, everything, but worst of all I hated the person that I had become. I had also had an affair with a married man and now I am having his baby. My actions are destroying me from inside starting with the pain that was growing from inside my womb. I hadn't really gone out, not since the scan. I still have nightmares about that day and sometimes I fear that I will never be able to forget about even after I have it. _The_ baby. I don't see it as mine, it isn't mine well not just mine anyway. It's Fletch's but because he doesn't know… it's no ones. Not mine. Not his. No ones.

A sudden beep came from my phone, I had a message. I wandered over to pick it up off the coffee table in the corner of the living room. I turned it over and switched on the screen to revel the text was from Fletch. My heart dropped to the floor and about 10ft lower. As I slowly read through the message.

_Tess, we need to talk…urgently! Call me as soon as you get this!_

What was I going to do? What did he want? I couldn't call him but what was wrong what if he had found out, if he knew? Maybe it was nothing just a problem at work. No that would be a problem what if they wanted me to go in, I couldn't there was no way. So many thoughts spiralled through my head think my brain was about to explode. While my mind was side tracked with being out of control, my fingers were busy tapping away and before I knew it my thumb was millimetres away from hitting call. I stared at my phone with a haze but as the blinding thoughts cleared towards the back of my head what was about to happen became clearer. I froze, my finger shaking as nerves ran through me. The slightest shake caused me to press the button and I could hear the faint sound of the phone ringing on the other side. I put the phone to my ear and waited for Fletch to pick up.

"Fletch is everything ok? I got your message and I-" I said trying not to show any emotion in my voice.

"Tess I'm so glad you called. I'm going out of my mind!" Fletch yelled down the round interrupting me. "Natalie knows, she's kicked me out and I have nowhere to go. She know about me not you but I have nowhere to stay. She knows I will go back to whoever I put before her and our relationship but you are the only person who will let me in." he added hopeful that I would say yes

"Wait slow down," I said trying to comprehend before adding "How does she know? How much does she know?" as everything finally processed in my head.

"She knows I have slept with someone else but she doesn't know it's you. She's kicked me out of the house and I only have a few of my things and hardly any money so I can't afford a place to go." Fletch answered hardly taking a breath before continuing to panic. "I don't know what to do. She won't talk me and there's no way she will forgive me or even talk to me."

I could tell he was getting more and more flustered with every word he said. I knew I had to do something but he couldn't stay with me. He didn't know I was carrying his baby, no one did, no one even knew I was pregnant. If he came round, even to visit, everything would be over my plans would be ruined, my job would be over, my life would be over.

I'd left it to long to answer but I had to say something he was relying on me to give him shelter and a place to stay. "I can't have you stay here." I blurted out. "Sorry, I mean I will help you but I'm too busy for anyone to stay here at the moment because I'm always travelling to the London hospital to see Sam." Another lie! The person I had become over the past year was like all the good had been kidnapped out of me stolen from inside me and all that was left was the bad. I continued "I can transfer some money over to your bank account that should be enough to get you through the next couple of weeks." I stated.

"Thank you so much and I'm so sorry to put such a burden on you especially with all the stress and pressure you are under." He thanked me. For a moment I thought he knew that I was pregnant but then I realised he didn't know half of the pressure I was under.

"It's ok. Anything to help a friend." I replied "I really must go." I said in attempt to end the call

"That's ok, bye." He said back.

"Bye." I said before taking my phone away from my hear and hanging up. I placed it back on the coffee table back where it was before and sat on the sofa nearby. I took a sigh of relief at the tense feeling started to leave my body. Hopefully nothing like that would ever happen again. Throughout the call I feared something would come out wrong, something that would regret saying, something that would tell him I was pregnant. But I didn't, I made the call and didn't slip up. It's only 3 months until this baby is due and then I don't have to hide it anymore, I will be free. From everything.

_**If anyone has any suggestions for what should happen next please review or pm me thanks for reading**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6**_

[1 month earlier- March]

It had been 2 months since we went to the children's home and we hadn't heard anything. I was starting to give up hope and distracted my mind with other things like work. I don't know how Jeff feels about anything because he never says anything to me. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's our communication that is stopping us from hearing back from the home. Maybe the reason why we haven't had any news is because they saw we were missing that communication and weren't showing that we were together in this. But, we are we have a connection and a relationship and we both want this. It might not be easy but we are in this together and maybe, just maybe our friendship will become stronger.

I heard the phone ringing as I woke up and Jeff clambering out of his bed to go and get it. As I stood in the room next to the one Jeff was in I could here hear him faintly talking to the person on the other end of the landline. I heard his voice getting more excitable as the phone call went on before he finally hung up and came into my room.

"That was the care home," Jeff said with no emotion on his face. My heart dropped fearing the worst and he continued "There's been a fire at the home, luckily all the kids are alright but they need places to stay. They wondered if we would take someone in for a couple of days." Jeff finished staring at me excitedly. I smiled back my eyes lighting up with joy.

"I can't! When are we picking them up?" I asked starting to get ready.

"They said as soon as possible and that this would be a great experience or trial run if you like for looking after a child." He replied leaving my room to go and get ready so we could leave. We both hurried to get ready rushing around the house. After about 15 minutes we were completely ready and started to head out the door to the home as we jumped into the car all I could think about was that we were getting a child. It might only be temporary but it's a child and it's all I have ever wanted. We raced down to the home as fast as we could and I couldn't stop thinking about the time we went there last… when it all began. Flashbacks shot across my eyes and through to my mind as we pulled up outside the building. A wreck. That was the only way to describe it. All the children stood outside the burnt building that was still smoking before them.

We got out the car to be greeted by Nathan. "I'm so glad you were able to make it here so quickly!" he said thankfully as he shook our hands. The three of us all walked over to where the children were stood, Jeff and I had no idea which one we were going to be caring for while the building was repaired. As I stood there flashbacks scurried through my head and I traced my memories back to the first time we met the kids, all of them stood there in front of us in the living room that was now ashes. I snapped back into reality when I heard Nathans voice.

"Skye could you come over here please?" Nathan asked the 3 year old who was looking distraught "Do you remember the Colliers?" He asked sweetly as she walked over to us she nodded as tears ran down her cheeks.

Instantly I asked "What's wrong sweetheart?" lovingly. The girl sobbed but didn't answer me.

"Would it be ok if you took Skye into your care?" The care worker asked passing some sheets to Jeff when he nodded. "Ok, thank you! You will need to sign here, here and here." He told Jeff while pointing to the sheet before continuing "If there is any trouble just contact me." He said taking back the signed forms and walking away. Jeff and I both turned our attention to the young girl that was now clutching my hand. That was it I had been seeing flashbacks all day and that was it.

"_Hello, I'm Skye and I'm 3 years old and this is my dolly Georgie." _

That was why she was crying. Where was Georgie? I looked round and couldn't find her. Skye's hand gripped firmer on mine as she looked up at me for comfort.

"Where did you last have her?" I asked Skye as I knelt down to her level. Skye stared straight back at me knowing exactly what I was talking about and knowing that I was going to help. She pointed to the house. The next thing I knew I had let go of Skye's hand and was running towards one of the firemen.

"Have you seen a little doll she has blond hair and is about this big." I stated and I used my hands to signal the size of the doll. The fireman nodded.

"I saw a doll yes I brought it out it's just over here." He said leading me to a blond, ash covered doll that I instantly knew was Georgie.

I picked up the doll "Thank you!" I shouted to the fireman running back over to Skye to reunite her with Georgie. I got back to where Skye was now sat, on a bench, and saw her face light up when she saw me carrying her beloved doll in my hand. I passed the doll to her and Skye leaped into my arms as if she had never let go from the first time I saw her.

"Thank you!" she whispered and she loosened her hug.

"Shall we get your things?" I asked so that we could go home. She nodded and I walked over to the tree to collect her belongings that were left. A small, light, purple bag was all I found i opened it to find dolls clothes and a couple of her own. I sealed the bag back up and walked over to our car that Jeff and Skye were now sat in.

"Skye is this all your things?" I asked expecting her to tell me there was more.

"Yes." She replied innocently as I turned to strap my seat belt in. I couldn't help feeling sorry for the girl as we drove home but I couldn't let her see that. We got out the car after pulling up onto the drive. I climbed out and went to open the door so that Skye could get out too. I undid her seat belt before she stood on the edge of the car. She held my hand and jumped out, I could tell she was excited to be here but part of me felt like she didn't have a clue what was going on.

Jeff opened the front door allowing Skye and I to walk into her new (temporary) home. She ran in and placed her belongings and Georgie down on the sofa then turned to me. "Where's my bedroom?" Skye said almost bursting with excitement. I took hold of her hand once again and took her up the stairs and showed her to the guest room, her new room.

"Would you like to paint it?" I asked her almost as joyful as she was she nodded vigorously as I pulled out a variety of different paints for her to choose from. "There's a blue, a red, a yellow, a pink a green and a purple. Which one would you like?" I said as Jeff popped his head around the door.

"My shift starts in 10 minutes so I have to girl but I hope you two lovely girlies have a great time painting but don't get too messy!" Jeff joked before leaving for work.

I turned my attention back to Skye who was pretending to paint the walls. "Skye." I clled trying to get her attention. She turned back to me and walked over then pretended to paint my face. I giggled and so did she, I had never seen anyone as cute and lovely as her before. I opened the purple can of paint as requested by Skye and we both got to work painting the walls in her bedroom. After painting for at least an hour we decided to take a break.

"Please can I have something to eat?" Skye asked sweetly and I realised that I too was a little peckish after such a long and tiring day. We both washed out hands before doing anything else then went down stair to get some dinner. I opened the fridge to find a ready meal lasagne and decided we could have that for dinner. After running my plan past Skye who agreed eagerly i prepared the lasagne while Skye did some colouring to put on her wall.

When our dinner was ready we sat at the table to eat. I helped Skye a little but was amazed at how good she was at using her knife and spoon for only three years old. After finishing our evening meal I went to sit on the sofa when Skye came running in with her finished colouring. She showed it to me.

"Wow Skye that's really good!" I said praising the three year old.

She put her drawing in my hands "For you." She said sweetly before giving be a tight hug. I kissed her on the forehead and lifted her up onto my lap. She cuddled into me and we curled up to watch TV. It must have been about half an hour before I looked down to see Skye had fallen asleep in my arms. I slowly got up and carried her up to her new room then placed her in her bed. I pulled the duvet over her and tucked her in. I slipped Georgie under her cover before kissing her on the cheek.

"Night night sweetheart." I whispered softly as I turned out the light.

_**I really hope this chapter pulled on some heart strings because I have tried to make the Dixie chapters better as they weren't as good as the Tess ones but I hope you liked it. Please review and keep reading when I post more chapters. Thank you!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7- Some people may find this too much to read and gruesome. I am really sorry if it upsets you but I wanted to make this chapter emotional and powerful. **_

[Present time- April]

"Signed Tess Bateman." So far I had managed to keep it a secret and finally I had signed the papers to go ahead with the adoption. It had been an emotional 8 months starting with the guilt of destroying my colleges family. I had lied about Sam and split up a family I had become a monster and didn't want this baby to become one too. Even though I didn't want to keep it I hoped it would have as normal life as possible and a family that deserved it. I had decided to get the baby adopted because even though I didn't want it, someone else would someone who really wanted a child but couldn't have one. The adoption was organised and was going to proceed in going ahead once I had the baby, I still had 5 weeks before it was due and thank goodness because I couldn't hide it anymore I wanted my body back but most of all my life. I needed a new start and this was the beginning of it.

Once I arrived back home, I tucked into my curry while watching Eastenders on TV. Then it started. A sharp pain ran through my body. I instantly curled up into a ball when another pain struck me. I couldn't be in labour, it wasn't possible I still had another 5 weeks before the baby was due. I ran to the bathroom before I collapsed onto the floor with a pool of fluid surrounding me, my waters had broken. Another contraction and I could feel myself wanting to push. So I did.

After a painful 45 minutes I checked to see if the baby was near. I was getting too tired and needed to stop but I couldn't because the baby was almost here and was crowning. I knew just few more pushes would get the baby out but I had no strength left. With another contraction I panted through the discomfort and managed to find that final bit of determination in me. As the baby came out I was able to grab its head and pull it out. The baby girl was born at 6:27 with another push the placenta was delivered a few minutes after. I cleaned up myself and the baby before cutting the cord and wrapping it in a cream blanket. After I checked the baby over and made sure it was stable then I got out a pen and a piece of lined A5 paper and wrote on it. I folded the paper and went to get some shoes and my coat on. I couldn't bring myself to look at the baby and the life I was about to throw away.

I walked for about 15 minutes carrying a cold body in my arms. I arrived at the new children's home and placed the baby carefully on the step before getting the note out of my pocket and placing it on the body. Without even saying goodbye to the baby I had to run hiding behind a bush because I had noticed the lights come on by the door. I pecked through the bushes and leaves as I heard the door opening. A little girl stood there in her pyjamas holding a doll. The young girl knelt down and placed her doll next to the baby wrapped in cloth. Another man appeared in the door way he knelt down to where the baby lay with a shocked expression on his face. He took the piece of paper and read it aloud.

"This is Hope and she has come here to have a better life than her my can provide. she hopes she can have a good life and will be supported. She was born on the 9th April 2014 at 6:27 pm." He paused picking up the new born girl and bringing her into his chest the continued "I cannot live with my real family so I have come here to find a new one." The man stood up carrying the baby and the note. I took one last look at my daughter before the door closed behind them. I knew she would go to a good home with parents that would love her and although I was saddened deeply to be giving up on a chid i couldn't help think about how I now had my body back and my life back. Tears streamed down my face as I gave up a part of me it felt like I was giving away part of my heart and leaving me with a whole of my hear. I was no longer going to be reminded by the memories of my actions I thought to myself as I waked back to home in the dark. But, I couldn't help wondering if I would ever see my child ever again.

_**Sorry once again if this chapter distressed anyone and I apologise that it is so short. I hope you like it and if you have anything you would like to happen later in the story please review.**_

_**Thanks, Jade xxx**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8**_

[5th May]

Finally it was happening. After a long process of 7 months it was finally happening to Jeff and I. we had always been partners from the first day we met and it had been a journey to say the least but now, finally, it was happening. Our relationship has grown not physically but what we share matters and now we were going to let someone else share in that. We got the call about 20 minutes ago and now we were on our way to the children's home to pick up our new child. We were being accepted for who we were and being given a child just like we had always wanted. I didn't know what to expect my head was all over the place, in the phone call Nathan didn't say much about the child we were adopting but he said that he had found the perfect match for us. Jeff on the other hand he looked excited but he had done this before, well not exactly. Back when he was with Lucy he had done the father role when she was having John and Sophia but this time was different we knew almost nothing about this child and that was a though that scared me deeply.

We arrived at the children's home after an almost silent drive that seemed to last forever. I got out the car as Jeff did and we started to walk towards the door of the new home. Once again Jeff came closer to me and before I knew it he was holding my hand to show me he was always by my side and we were going to do this together. We got to the front door and I was about to put my hand up to ring the doorbell when I was stopped by Jeff.

"Dixie." He said getting my attention "I want you to know that whoever awaits us on the other side of this door we will love and cherish and that any problems we will tackle and overcome together. I will always support you and every decision you make and I will support our child, no matter what." Jeff spoke clearly convincing me that everything will be alright.

"Thank you!" I replied smiling back at him. I could really trust Jeff to stick to his word he might like to joke around but deep down I can rely on him for anything.

Once again I reached for the doorbell and felt Jeff's grip on my hand get tighter. I pressed my sweaty finger on the doorbell with my hand shaking as I brought it back down to my side. In the few seconds it took for someone to answer the door I thought about my new life, Jeff's new life and the child's new life. What we were about to get ourselves into was going to impact many people's lives and that was too much pressure to think about.

I turned to Jeff about to open my mouth to express my thoughts when the door opened and we were greeted and ushered inside by Nathan. Nathan was the person who we trusted about the adoption and he had told us about everything we should expect to happen when adopting, apart from this. We had no idea what to expect he had said nothing about the child he is looking at for us to adopt and he had certainly not said anything about the nerves that I were feeling as I walked into the hallway.

"This place looks really nice." Jeff informed Nathan remembering the last time we were here. I nodded in agreement and Nathan thanked us for the compliment.

"I would give you a tour but I expect you are desperate to know who I have paired you with?" Nathan said showing us into his office, we followed shortly behind him. As I entered the room it was like all my nerves had been taken from my body and given to Nathan. The child be were going to adopt was in the corner of the room, I stared for a moment before looking at Nathan who was shaking hoping that we would be happy with his decision. But, I was more than happy I was ecstatic and ran over to the newest member of the collier family. In the corner of the room was a navy blue car seat with a small brown teddy and an even smaller baby girl. She was wrapped in a little pink blanket sleeping with her hands by her rosy cheeks. I knelt down and placed my finger into her hand she clasped it and at that moment I knew she was the one.

"This is Hope, she is a month old and was left on the door step. We took her in and I knew you were the perfect couple to accept her into your family." He paused letting Jeff and I take in all the information "She was found with this note." Nathan added handing me a crumpled A5 sheet of paper. I read the paper before handing it to Jeff. I brought my focus back to Hope who was now starting to wake up, her eyes slowly opened to reveal the most perfect hazel eyes to go with her auburn coloured hair. I couldn't help think that this was the perfect new addition to mine and Jeff's lives.

[45 minutes later]

I signed the last form before picking Hope up from the car seat she was laying in.

"You're a natural." Nathan encouraged me while Jeff picked up the car eat that was left in the corner. We left the room to leave when we were stopped by Nathan. "You might want to take this." He said passing a bag of nappies to Jeff and giving me the letter Hope was left with. We walked out the door with a child, our very own, brand new baby. It was like all my wishes had all come true as we drove off to start our new lives. But there was just one problem, clothes. Hope needed clothes and food so instead of going straight home we drove to the E.D. where hopefully they would have some spare baby things in lost property.

When we arrived at the E.D. we jumped out of the car and started to walk inside carrying the car seat that Hope was now back in. We walked in and found Max, Robyn and the wicked witch of the west, Louise, all gathered around the front desk at reception. Jeff and I started to walk over when Rita saw us and came over.

"Is this the new addition to the Collier family?" She asked with excitement as she joined us to walk over to reception.

"Yes this it Hope!" I proudly stated as everyone at reception turned to see what was going on. Immediately they huddled around me and Hope playing with her and asking my questions.

"What's that?" Robyn asked pointing to the note I was still holding in my hand.

"Well, Hope was left on the door step of the children's home and when they found her they also found this letter." I said handing the note to her so she could read it.

"This is Hope and she has come here to have a better life than her my can provide. She hopes she can have a good life and will be supported. She was born on the 9th April 2014 at 6:27 pm. I cannot live with my real family so I have come here to find a new one." Robyn read the note so everyone knew what it said.

"Can I take a look at that?" Zoe asked walking over to the huddle. Robyn passed over the note as rita came back from lost property with some baby clothes.

"Thanks so much!" I thanked her accepting the clothes for Hope.

"It's no problem, she's such a cute little baby." She replied giving a smile.

We said our goodbyes now that we had clothes for Hope and walked back to the car that was parked in the E.D. parking area. On our walk to the car I couldn't help but feel proud of Jeff and I for going through with our plan and grateful that even though someone didn't want Hope we did and we were able to take her in and look after her. I have always wanted to be a mum and now I finally had the chance to be one and raise a beautiful child. I knew it wasn't always going to be easy but we would make it all work out.

_**Again if anyone has any suggestions or ideas please feel free to share them wih me and review. Hope you liked the chapter!**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Sorry about the wait hope you enjoy :) **_

_**Chapter 9**_

[28th May]

I took a deep breath as I got out of my car and started walking to the E.D. entrance. Nerves collided with my body and my heart plummeted to my feet. Was my life moving too fast for me to handle? I had only taken a few steps inside when I was struck with a feeling like I had never even left, like the last 9 months had never happened but then that feeling got cut off and I was once again surrounded with fear and nerves about coming back. I couldn't help thinking to myself about the consequences of what I had done and the problems that would arise and be added to my worries if the past year of my life became public knowledge. Taking a deep breath with every step I took further into the E.D. I soon arrived at the staff room. No one had acknowledged my presence in the room, it was like I was invisible, instead they all crowded around the sofa that was place in the corner of the pale blue room. I couldn't see what was going on, what they were all so fascinated by that they didn't even know I was there but I decided to edge closer to find out.

I was about four foot away from where Rita, Robyn, Fletch and two other men were stood when I started to see glimpses of what the crowd were looking at. Dixie and Jeff were sat on the sofa, Jeff looking proud smiling continuously and Dixie held something in her arms. What was she hold so preciously in her arms? I took one more step getting closer to where everyone was focused and my camouflage streak was broken. I sighed deeply, I couldn't contain my silence any longer, and Rita turned around attracting everyone else's attention towards me. I stood regaining my silence while everyone stared at me taking in my returning presence in the hospital department. Through the staring eyes and the frozen bodies I managed to answer my question. In her arms Dixie held a small fragile body wrapped in a soft pink blanket and a pale pink hat upon its head. I was obvious to me that this was the crowds focus before they turned their attention to me. Silence ran through the room with only an occasional fidget from the baby while it slept in Dixie's arms. The entrance of Charlie into the staff room soon broke the quiet.

"Tess!" Charlie greeted me with excitement almost skipping over to where I was stood "It's great to see you again, how is Sam?" That was when I felt like the word guilty had been written across my forehead. I looked blankly at Charlie processing thoughts of what to say. Could he tell that I was lying? Could everyone see straight through me, that what I was saying was untruthful? I had to say something so I chose my words carefully taking a mental note of what I was saying so I couldn't be caught out with false information later.

"Hi Charlie! Long-time no see. Sam's making improvements but I just need to take my mind off the situation so I have decided to come back to work." I paused taking a deep breath at the shock of what I had just said. Yet another lie and slipped easily through my tongue and out of my mouth, past the rim of my lips now it was out there and I couldn't take it back. "Have I missed much?" I asked jokingly trying my best to change the subject.

"Yes we have some new staff, this is Caleb Knight and Ben Chiltem. Cal and Lofty for short." Charlie stated introducing me to the new doctor and nurse. I let out a sigh relieved that I didn't have to lie anymore or so I thought. Maybe coming back to work was the right decision and although I thought my life was moving too fast maybe that was a good thing. Hopefully the faster my life is moving the faster I can move on from the last ten months so they are a distant memory.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Tess clinical nurse manager." I said putting on a brave face and parts of my old personality. It was a great feeling to know that parts of the old Tess were still there but they were whipped away in an instant.

"We also have a new little member to E.D. team, this is Hope. Dixie and Jeff adopted her earlier this month isn't she beautiful." Finally it all became clear the fragile thing that I saw Dixie holding was a tiny baby, my tiny baby. Hope lay there smothered with love from her new parents, I was happy she had gone to a good home but the thought that I wasn't going to be able to move on overpowered the happiness I felt for the child. The thought of moving on got cut and my life stopped moving. My life stood still thoughts dashed through my head the silence echoing around the room as everyone waited for my reply.

"Umm…." I didn't know what to say there in someone else's arms was my baby, the baby I had chosen to give up on the baby I had chosen to abandon and leave to fend for herself. Not only was she in someone else's arms but my friends, my colleges. I didn't know what to say or do. Every emotion ran through my blood, through my veins to my heart where it hit me most. I had to live with the child I turned my back on. "Yeah she's… beautiful." I said my voice starting to quiver. I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes but I blinked them back before they had a chance to escape and trickle down my cheeks.

My attention was then diverted to a small note that Jeff held in his hand. It couldn't be? Not the note that I hand wrote myself moments after giving birth to the baby they now had responsibility for. I stood frozen in the room now part of the crowd that was overjoyed to see the new baby. I couldn't help feel like my friends had ripped out my heart leaving me to suffer the pain and loss. The pain and loss of my baby. I snapped out of the thought in a split second I couldn't punish them, I couldn't punish anyone for the mistakes I had made. All of this was my fault and now I had to pay the price. I was the one that destroyed a family, I was the one that abandoned my own baby that was me. All my fault. I started walking towards my locker I couldn't continue to look at my daughter with another family and I couldn't continue to look at the note that I had written so I turned my back once again like I had done when Hope was born. Reality struck me as I saw Jeff move in the corner of my eye. He was getting up and coming closer to where I was now stood by my locker.

Jeff handed me the letter but I pushed it away I didn't need to read it. I knew every word that was on the piece of paper, every word I had written. I knew if I read the note my actions would have been uncontrollable. I couldn't handle the emotions that were rushing through the inside of my body and they began to present on the outside. Everyone could now see the feeing's that I had built up inside and worst of all Jeff knew something wasn't right.

"Is everything ok?" he question waiting for a reply. I pretended I didn't hear him in the hope he would leave me alone "What's wrong?" He persisted he wasn't going anywhere until I told him.

"She looks just like Sam did at that age." I began, what had I done? Of course they looked similar they were half brother and sister. Luckily I don't think Jeff took much notice at my comment but instead gestured at me to continue. "It's just with everything that has happened recently with Sam's bipolar I almost wish that I could just start again. I wouldn't never wish to get rid of Sam never but sometimes it gets so much I just wish the disorder would go away." At last those tears escaped however they weren't tears of sadness and upset for my son's illness but for the fact that I had lied again about my son. I had finally reached my breaking point and tears flooded my eyes soaking down my face and I did all that I could think to do I ran out the staff room not a care in the world for anyone else. Right now it was about me, what I had done, the secrets I couldn't tell, the person I had become.

I sprinted through the corridor no one was going to stop me, my anger at myself had transformed into pain and it was that pain I was running from. A familiar voice tried to capture me, tried to stop me but it wasn't even going to slow down.

"TESS!" Zoe shouted form the other end of the corridor "Tess slow down what's wrong?" I couldn't slow down I couldn't stop I had to keep running I couldn't face the pain, the anger, the rage or frustration that was boiling me from inside. Eventually my feet took me to my office running in I slammed the door shut behind me and slapped my hand across the table pushing pictures and ornaments of causing them to smash on the floor. A photo of me and Sam only a few years ago we smiled at the camera we looked really happy. I could see my own reflection now in the smashed glass I looked nothing like I did in the picture instead I was a mere shadow of my former self only a shell of who I used to be. A small swan ornament given to me on my fortieth birthday by Sam he said it reminded him of me: grace, elegance and purity. He used to say I had the perfect swan like personality, always acting like a role model, always showing authority, never changed just grew to be a better person. I wasn't like that now I had changed for the worse I no longer felt like the swan my son described me as but as a snake devious and secret you never know what they will do next.

The rattle of the door made me jump in shock I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I didn't care about what people thought of me I never had I was who I am and no one could change me but that wasn't true. In the last six months one very small person had changed me, my daughter. The consequences I now had to face as a result of my chid were unbearable and I didn't know what to do. The door opened slowly as I curled up in a ball on the floor clutching my positions in my hand. In came a figure into my office I looked at the high heels placed on the woman's feet I instantly knew who it was and turned my head away trying to conceal my feelings. Slowly, the woman I identified as Zoe came cautiously tip-toeing towards me. She delicately placed her hand on my shoulder careful not to increase my internal pain. I gradually lifted my head turning it slightly enabling me to look at her. Her eyes showed care and respect she didn't need to say anything for me to know that she was there for me. I took a deep breath before attempting to confess but was stopped by Zoe interrupting.

"I know." She said softly trying not to damage my heart ache even more. I stared into her eyes puzzled hopeful to find an answer. "I know." She repeated more instant that she was clear on what happened in the last 10 months.

"But…how?" I said worried that everyone might know. She knew I was hurting but it became apparent she knew why. She slowly reached into her back pocket of her tight skirt.

"Jeff wanted you to read this but he told me you pushed it away because you already know what it says don't you?" she questions me sympathetically placing the small letter on the floor. She didn't say anything more but waited for me to take in everything she had just said. I started to fear that if she knew everyone would soon find out.

"How?" I asked pausing briefly "How did you know?" I couldn't bring myself to look at the letter despite it being right in the centre of where I had fixed my eyes as Zoe spoke.

"Your writing." She knew it was hard for me to come to terms with everything that had recently taken place in my life but she needed to tell me everything she knew. "Look Tess I know she belongs to you. I know you wrote this letter and had a baby. I also know you left the baby and I don't blame you for this, it is obvious you are finding it hard to move on and that's ok no one will judge you." She said sweetly adding a smile showing how much she cared.

"Is it really that obvious?" I asked taking in everything she has just told me "Does everyone know?" right now the fear of everyone knowing overruled the fear of what was going to happen in my life next. Zoe knew my life story for almost the last year but I couldn't help deny that if anyone was to find out I would have undoubtedly chosen her. Now that I had shared my burden with her it felt like my pain was lifted slightly and I wasn't having to cope all on my own.

"It's not obvious at all only to me because I know you and your style of writing and not everyone knows, they don't need to know. But, why? Why haven't you told anyone?" she asked reassuring me that this conversation wasn't going any further than between the two of them.

I took a deep breath composing myself before letting everything out. "I couldn't tell anyone because I was scared. Scared that they would judge me. I couldn't look after a child I didn't even think she was going to make it through the pregnancy but when she did I couldn't keep her I couldn't live my life looking after her it was too complicated so I left her outside the home. I thought that she would be better off with another family someone desperate for the opportunity to be a mum and that wasn't going to be me. I knew leaving her outside the children's home was the best thing I had planned to get it adopted but then it came early and I didn't know what to do. I thought that if I just left her on the step then I wouldn't have to clear the adoption and would never have to be a part of the child's life again. But, then I came in today." I paused letting Zoe catch up with everything I had said "She's better off with them." I added as I began to sob. Zoe brought my head into her shoulder and hugged me.

"I'm always here for you if you need to talk." She whispered "I think you should take the rest of the day off." I agreed with her as I was in to fit state to argue. My first day back and I was already being told to leave because of what had happened to me, what I had done. Zoe didn't mind that I hadn't told her before or that I hadn't told her who the father was. She knew that it was hard for me and it was going to but she also knew I had to face up to what I had done. I just didn't know if I was going to ever be able to tell my family or the rest of my friends let alone Jeff and Dixie or even Hope. The thought of everyone knowing, everyone judging me frightened me I couldn't help think about my job and losing it what I had done wasn't right I knew that but I couldn't bear the thought of losing my job it's was my life and I would be lost without it but the thought of losing my friends and family and all the people closest to me as a result of my actions deepened my scared feelings.

As for the future I didn't know what that would bring. At some point I was going to have to face my fear but I didn't know how or when. All I did know was that Hope had a right to know who her really family is and fletch has the right to know he has another child. However, I had to think about Jeff and Dixie them finding out could destroy their new family and I didn't want to be held responsible for that I have already ruined one family I can't do that again. I give them the chance of a family and taking that opportunity away would be the final thing that turns me into the person I was already beginning to become. Was I going to be able to come clean and tell everyone or was I going to have to leave in order to keep my secret and move on?

_**Thanks for reading I'm sorry it's been so long between updates and any mistakes you may find but I hope you liked this chapter. Please review and tell me what you think should happen, should Tess find herself owning up or should she be forced to leave Holby forever? Thanks again I will upload the next chapter when I can. **__** :) xxx**_


End file.
